newt. history

The history of newt., the now legendary founders of happyrock genre, is an epic and amazing tale. newt. began it's recording career in early 1994 with the release of their first hit single, /. In its first day of sales, the record sold over two billion copies in Great Britain alone, and was instantly proclaimed a gold-disc by the BBC. Lowell Mead and Haakon Faste, the founders of the band, quickly set up Schnarfsongs Ltd. to handle their business overseas, allowing to sell an additional forty billion copies around the world within the next two weeks, breaking all record sales ever to have existed or ever conceived possible. While their single was booming overseas, newt. was back in London busily recording their first LP, soon to be dubbed simply as 'early newt.' This album contained such memorable hit tracks as , , General Popinwitz, and Ain't Life Grand.

This is a previously unreleased promotional photograph from the "noot.legs"
album, a soundtrack compilation of live newt. bootleg recordings taken from the
full length cinemascope feature film "Sex, Drugs and newt.: The true story."

To follow up the success of their first two weeks of recording, the largest world tour ever performed was launched, consisting of more than 4200 concerts throughout Central Europe, Australia, Northern Africa, and the Americas. More than five hundred hours of tape were recorded, and within two weeks a five-disc live album, 'Raw newt.,' was in the number one slot on all international LP record charts. Soon to follow was another LP, 'Feasting on Fancy Cheeses,' which rewrote the book on how to obtain perfect sound quality through digital-audio recording techniques. Popular demand forced newt. to release title track of 'Fancy Cheeses,' , as a single which easily slid into the number one spot, pushing into a close second where it will stay for the next sixteen years, experts predict. Afterwards newt. continued to release best selling albums such as the extremely successful three-disc 'Smelly Animals' album (containing the extended 45 minute version of ), the breathtaking 'Desperation' LP, and the peace album which shook the foundations of world politics: 'Bored of These Songs.'

Bored of these guys yet? The air pressure variations caused by the
presence of such powerful newt.vibes at this point and time actually
bent light rays, making it appear as if Lowell was taller than Haakon.
Of course this is not true, making the few photographs taken of newt.
in late 1994 extremely rare and valuable.

Despite their prior successes, nobody expected that they could keep creating such terrific hits for much longer. Rumors began circulating about the imminent disbanding of the happyrock legend. To consolidate their audience, , an excellent single, was released. Unfortunately, public opinion of the group plummeted when listeners misinterpreted the B side, , to be a religious insult against the king of Clambodia. The result of this terrible public oversight led the BBC to ban the disc, and newt. lost thousands of fans. The release of did little to boost the group's ratings, and people began to realize that perhaps newt. was not the perfect band that they had always been, and perhaps they, like other imperfect people, could make mistakes and write bad music. The members of newt. soon realized this as well, and united to record one final single, intended to be released a week after Faste and Mead had officially signed papers terminating the existence of the group and fled to a distant land where they could hide from angry fans. Fortunately, there was a scheduling error in the production of the single, and it was released eight days too early. Within seconds of its release, / had pushed into third place and riots began in every city in the U.S. because only five billion copies of the single had been printed. But in the long run, everyone was quite happy with this turn of events and soon newt. was back in business.

I bet you wish you were a part of
this exclusive crowd. Polar Bears
Around An Ice Hole Club membership
has more than tripled since newt.
wrote the Polar Bear themesong, and
although the song sucks, membership
badges are now being sold on the
black market for $50,000 apiece.

Since the Clambodian riots, newt. has recorded many more consistently excellent albums including 'Running From the Pig,' 'More Boring than Elton' and 'More Boring than Yesterday.' Perhaps the most exciting aspect of newt. is that they offer such a fresh view upon the music industry, and the members are all still quite happy with one another and feeling inspired to continue writing excellent music. In fact, all of the events mentioned above occurred during the very short three month span between April and July of 1994, so we're sure to see lots more from newt.'s dynamic duo in the future. The newt. anthology 'Classic newt.' simply cannot represent how incredibly awesome the impact of newt. has been on today's music industry.

This rough sketch for the Classic newt. cover was drawn
by Haakon in preparation for work on the packaging for
the album. The photography staff at Schnarfsongs expended
a total of $6,000,000 to explore South American rainforests
in an attempt to find a frog which matched the preliminary
sketch exactly. Unfortunatly no satisfactory frog was located,
so they had to resort to hi-resolution computer imaging to
generate the required still.

Hopefully, through the quality of newt.'s music and recordings, you too will understand what a truly wonderful achievement Haakon Faste and Lowell Mead have been able to bring to you. They thank you for your support, and hope that you will continue to cheer them on as they remain, forever, at the top of the charts, winning every award which is ever given to anyone for anything having to do with musical talent in any capacity. Thanks again, from all your schlumpy friends at Schnarfsongs.

The fragment of paper containing these preliminary lyrics from "Staring...and the Chances"
recently sold at an auction in Paris for 3 billion dollars. The thrifty recipient of this newt.
original is Alimarco Ilfluranzuraz, president of the small nation of Yabitzia in Central America.
He plans to trade the piece of paper to his North Korean agents in exchange for plans and
parts for a hydrogen bomb so that he can conquer the world. His plan, of course, would not be
possible without newt.